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Category — News

The Café, One Year on

Happy Anniversary to me, Happy Anniversary to me, Happy…. manamam ma… Happy .. nana to me…

Woo hoo!

It’s a year to the day that I posted my first Café Shorts post: Boris, a story about a very literate dog. Not even sure anyone ever read it, because, at that point, the site had the same profile as a side-on piece of paper. But I’ve been getting a few readers since then.

So thanks to all of you who have been popping by, reading and/or putting on comments. You’re obviously the most attractive and intelligent people on t’ internet. Obviously. I love you guys and gals (big, over emotional hug). And the fact that I’ve had some eyes on these stories has helped me a whole lot in getting my ass in gear, keeping me focussed and giving me some writerly confidence. Now when folk ask if I’ve written anything, I can point them here without my mumbling about stealthily writing in cafés, or their having to power up an Xbox.

Until I put this site on line, I was pretty much only writing my own stories for my own amusement. Then, after quite a few years – some of which spent whining in journals, some creatively; most of it over a chocolate muffin and a decaf latte* – I figured I was going to be writing, ‘no matter what’, so better try doing something with it. Then, as bizarre as it sounds, I ‘remembered’ about the Internet. Doh! I should have been on years ago, but I was writing analogue. Inky fingers, etc.

So, hopefully, for more plus years, you’ll bear with my tendency to use ‘five words where one would do’ while I keep wearing my ‘I (heart) Magical Realism’ T-shirt. Meanwhile, I’m loving all those other stories – the epically cool stuff you folks are writing out there on t’ internet – or knowing you’re scratching your way through reams of paper, old style.

To cap it off, it’s also been ten years (to the day) since myself and my girlfriend have been hanging out and flicking cheese at each other. That’s a lot of cheese.

Lovely lady; awesome aim with brie,



* No, not the same chocolate muffin. Man, it would be like… a fossilized tyrannosaurus turd, by now.  And that latte… ew; skin like a buffalo’s behind…

September 22, 2011   15 Comments

The Versatile Blogger Award

versatile blogger award


he marvellous Steve Green over at The Twisted Quill has awarded me the Versatile Blogger Award. So thank you very much Steve.

I recommend you go check out his writing, too.

But, before you dash off…

As per the rules, I have to write seven random facts about myself, and then nominate other bloggers to receive the award. So, in a rough chronological order (apart from the ‘thumb thing’):

  1. When I was three, in Malaysia, a rusty nail got stuck in my heel. I threw up out of a car window and had to get a tetanus injection in my backside. My mother tells me the throwing up and the nail were separate incidents.
  2. When I was seven, I managed to clobber my younger brother with a half brick when I was down in the coal cellar of our house. I was hiding and trying to startle him but the throw developed a hypnotic accuracy. He needed stitches on his scalp, and I felt my parents were most unfairly upset because I was so mortified. The ice cream trajectory in Tiger Tempura was based on this memory.
  3. I used to play a game of ‘collapsing bridges’ with my brothers and sisters (which basically meant putting a sofa-chair close to a wall, piling duvets, cushions and pillows over  the gap and then – while one of us crawled underneath – having the others gradually collapsing the ‘bridge’). At one point, after they collapsed the bridge and jumped up and down on the mound with me trapped underneath, I developed mild claustrophobia which I still have to this day.
  4. At twelve or thirteen, I was climbing up a vertical wall of hay bails in the middle of the night, when a tractor came into the barn with its lights blazing. I fell thirty feet and rattled my spine down a stack of potato crates. Stunned and winded, my friend desperately tried to stop me groaning in agony. We didn’t get caught by the farmer, but, after escaping across the fields, I found I had managed to lose a lot of skin off my back.
  5. I can pick up four chicks in each hand, simultaneously.
  6. As an evil experiment, working on Earthworm Jim, I wrote some broad, Glaswegian dialogue lines for Dan Castalanetta and his Groundskeeper Willie voice. The results were hysterical, though not pretty.
  7. I have two mutant thumbs: one won’t bend past forty-five degrees at the first joint, the other is hyper-dexterous. The doctor said that a defect in one place with over-compensation in the other is quite common. I’m still waiting for the rest of my super-powers to develop.
  8. BONUS FACT: I’m occasionally mistaken for Fran Healy out of Travis (which I can understand) and Chris Martin out of Coldplay (I don’t know why). At T-in the Park, while my girlfriend was having a loo break, I was mistaken for both of them by a couple asking directions…

So, to nominating other bloggers. Tricky – I’m always so busy, I never get to read as many blogs as I should, although those I do read I enjoy immensely. You talented people.

Some of those listed here have been nominated already, so feel free to quietly and smugly accept the fact that I admire the daring level of your versatility without your having to re-transmit the VBA meme. I’d rather pick from the full selection of folks I can comment on.

  1. John Xero over at the Xeroverse has created some lovely writing and some beguiling philosophical exposes. The Xeroverse has just been celebrating its first birthday. Read quietly, he may have a temporal hangover…
  2. Icy Sedgwick at Icy’s Blunt Pencil is the very definition of versatility, with many an intriguing writerly creation on the go, from flash fiction and photos, to author interviews and novellas. How she has the time to do everything she does, and read and comment on other stuff, is beyond me.
  3. Aidan Fritz at Aidan Writes is a man who can pull a compact and fully realized world out of the bag like nobody’s business – each world a perfectly crafted miniature. I suspect he lives in his own pocket universe.
  4. Harry at the eponymous Harry B. Sanderford blog can bounce between cactus underwear and deringer-toting bad-gals, with a felicity that will always impress. Rats, cereal, old movies… aye-carumba. I also admire his collaborative powers.
  5. Justin Davies at The Flying Scribbler has exhibited monstrous versatility in his impressive (and now – temporarily – complete) ensemble serial, ‘The Mythical Creatures Employment Exchange’. What happens behind such an intriguing title, you say? Well there was this pink monster, and Santa, and the Kraken and…

For those not celebrated here, the fault is entirely mine: stupidly, I haven’t been reading your blog long enough to comment with more insight, or – in one, particular case – you gave me the award in the first place (thanks again, Steve).

The truth is, this should be a much longer list.


All the best,

Stephen Hewitt.

July 17, 2011   7 Comments