Flash fiction, short stories, poetry …
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The gods of editing smiled on me this week, so this story qualifies for #FridayFlash.

Less than a 1000 words? It must have been the adjectives I sacrificed. These are harsh gods: passive sentence construction is not to be tolerated; praise their economy of expression; beware their adverbial inquisition. Jihad your ‘darlings’.   

Yah. Now I’m off to break all the rules…


isa got arrested today for cruelty to animals – she said that dog was dead already, and those cats, but nobody believes her.

Then they found all this crazy mumbo-jumbo, Satanist crap in her bedroom, up on the walls. They’re doing tests on the blood right now.

Lisa says that she’s an honest-to-god werewolf. How’s that for an excuse? Woke up on the lawn outside her house – not a stitch on – and had to get her mum to let her in.

That’s crazy, right?

Sure she had a dog bite on her – I saw that frothy, old Alsatian go for her myself – but why make up these stories?

Didn’t that tetanus jab in her ass work?!

Lisa always was strange. Like those photos she stuck online of herself covered in blood –  said she couldn’t remember doing it; said the blood was ketchup or food-colouring, or something. But that ‘ketchup’ looked pretty real to me. She had ‘a look’ in her eyes – you could have checked out those snaps on Flickr if they hadn’t taken them down – that was sort of ‘revelling in it’.

Meanwhile, cherry pie all over her lips, down her neck.

So a bunch of people took exception and decided to picket outside her house; neighbours and such. They said a lot of cats went missing, and it’s Lisa.

I was like, ‘OMG, Lisa, what the hell are you playing at?’

The police found a decapitated dog in her garden, all burned up. She said she woke up with it one morning, in a flower bed – it was right there next to her; no idea where it came from. So she covered it in petrol and torched it.

Neighbours complained about the fatty smoke drifting up over the fence.

Now she’s getting death threats and people have started all these Facebook pages, saying she’s a pet killer. The local authorities think she’s disturbed. The local newspapers have all run stories on her – a bunch of her photos made it on to the front page of the Aklington Examiner, for God’s sake!

A pathetic attempt at attention?

I don’t think I know her anymore. Lisa is a good looking girl – you gotta look – but all that art-house shit with the blood isn’t right. They found jars, too: her old appendix floating in fluids. That’s really not right. How do you even get to take that home with you?

Lisa’s parents are trying to play it down. Her dad got into a punch-up with a cameraman, and her mom has drawn a line across their gravel drive. Cross it, and she calls the cops.

There’s a fricking picket line round her place, right now.

You see what she calls herself, online? I mean, ‘Wolfgrrrl’? She’s been at this some time. Totally batshit. Or is that wolfshit? You should read some of the posts she has on there; some of the fantasies; some of the followers…

827,699 ‘likes’?!


But you know what is really crazy – and there is no way I’m going to ask her why – I found a bunch of Lisa’s clothes out in the garden this morning. I found her cammy top and leggings, soaked in dew, hanging off the old rose bushes. They were totally shredded, and there was red on them. I’m not saying blood, but they were ‘redded up’.

This shit’s Lisa’s because we both went shopping, and that’s the outfit she got last weekend for Embassy Studio.

Her sizes.

Her perfume.

So what the hell was she doing in my garden, shedding clothes? Stalking me outside the patio doors? Sussing me an’ the folks out, while we watch Who Wants to be a Millionaire on widescreen?

Then I start thinking about Mr Pickle.

Do you reckon she did for my cat?

I mean he was old, smelled, yowelled a lot at five a.m. – I had to water-pistol the old git on a regular basis – but I still wouldn’t want some crazy chopping his head off and cremating him!

I’m beginning to think I didn’t know Lisa at all.

And I’ve still got her iPod. So when does that get dropped off?

A lot of kids at school have gone anti-Lisa. It’s the animals: people can forgive a lot – give a serial killer a certain morbid respect – but decapitate one dog

Ha. That does sound bad.

She was in my house. Do you reckon they can do medical tests to see if she has dog in her? I mean, in her stomach?

That’s so gross; it doesn’t even bear thinking about.

I’ve just been online and the *******madwolf site got pulled. The provider’s saying it’s due to, ‘inappropriate content that contradicts their usage agreement.’

That’s Lisa, right?

I’m really thinking she did for Mr Pickle.

My mum’s friend came round – Janise (wa, wa, wa, what a chatterbox, fringe like a ginger Afgan). She was talking about Lisa (along with the rest of the planet). She saw something – not sure when or where – but a figure, running like a dog, on all fours. This was weeks ago. I was like, sure… I mean, surely you’d mention that at the time, wouldn’t you? But now – guess what – it’s ‘gossip gold’ with Lisa all over the news.

Still, this revelation was enough to make my sister, Lotty, cry. She doesn’t want to get eaten by the ‘four legged’ Lisa, and is now hiding in her room under her duvet. She’s got Take That playing really loud, but I imagine Garry and Robbie would have no hope at protecting her from a were-Lisa.

Which is just bullshit, by the way.

In fact, I’m sorry I brought this up.


1 Steve Green { 09.25.11 at 5:46 pm }

Ah, this is dark, dark humour, I dunno if Lisa is a wereLisa or not, but she certainly ain’t boring. 🙂

2 Sonia Lal { 09.25.11 at 8:05 pm }

Wow I really really like this! Don’t know of Lisa is a werewolf, but she sure is crazy. Reminds me of that girl who put a live kitten in the oven & turned it on.

3 Helen { 09.26.11 at 10:24 am }

Ha! this is dark humour indeed and right up my street! I think there may be a little of the animal instinct in Lisa….anyway a howling good story ^__^

4 Stephen Hewitt { 09.26.11 at 9:30 pm }

@Steve — dark humour is my absolute fave. As long as she ain’t boring, then all’s good 🙂

@Sonia — not sure if Lisa knows if she’s a werewolf or not. And that oven thing, that probably *was* her… Thanks Sonia.

@Helen — Dark like amusing treacle. Thanks Helen. ‘Howling good story’ — I saw what you did there. 🙂

5 John Xero { 09.27.11 at 12:57 pm }

Really envious of your ability to capture a ‘voice’. You make it believable and unique and readable.

I find it strange that although the ending lacks punch, it is somehow perfect. Another one, like My Dream Horse, where your talent for understatement and things left unsaid shines through. This is really good. =)

6 Stephen Hewitt { 10.04.11 at 8:43 am }

@John — thanks John. This was a fun story to write. Sometimes I do like a downbeat ending — just seemed to suit it

@Joan — Thanks Joan. Much fun was had. I like to think she (Lisa) is what she says she is, but may — indeed — be slightly bonkers. And, yeah, I once had a cat like that too. It was quick, though, and was an expert in ‘claw fu’ at breakfast…

@Stephen — thanks Stephen. I do think the narrator would tell things ‘as they are’, and she’s definitely ‘sans lemon’. :).

@Icy — tone is an interesting thing. It’s something I’d like to experiment with a bit. I feel different ways when I write particular stories, so want to get a bit more of that in the words. And sometimes the writing just comes out differently, which I like.

@Jon — strange indeed. Lisa next door — lol. You only need to worry if you find her waiting outside your living room window with a bin bag of shake-n-bake steak seasoning, and a quart of ranch dressing. 🙂

7 Joan { 09.27.11 at 2:14 pm }

I think this is one of the best stories you’ve written.
‘Satanist crap … on the walls. They’re doing tests on the blood right now.’ Love it.
Good old mum – always dependable.
Love the idea of Lisa, werewolf (I think she is), as a victim-type.
‘The local authorities think she’s disturbed.’ Made me giggle at the understatement of it.
‘I had to water-pistol the old git …’ I once had a cat like that.

8 Stephen { 09.28.11 at 3:02 am }

Wow, I absolutely love the voice of this piece. It’s so unique, like the narrator is sitting down with three fingers of vodka and giving the honest talk to you straight on the rocks, none of that lemon-twist crap. You kept me smiling, and reading, the whole way through. Excellent work.

9 Icy Sedgwick { 09.29.11 at 6:19 pm }

This is such a different sort of tone to your usual work but ut really works. The conspiratorial tone, the way the doubt creeps in – masterful work.

10 J. M. Strother { 10.03.11 at 9:03 pm }

That was a blast. A very strange blast, but a blast nonetheless. And I have a Lisa living next door. 😮

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